Perpetually Possessed

For some reason, I vividly remember the first time I came across the word ‘possess’. I was 7 and I read in an Archie Comic book that Big Moose was a ‘possessive’ boyfriend and he was hence intimidating and awe inspiring.

This was confusing information for my unconditioned mind, so I guess I simply parked it in my head. Later, in my teens I heard more about ‘possessive’ boyfriends. These men were admired by other men and revered, even coveted by many women. However, when I heard about possessive girlfriends they came with many other adjectives- like ‘insecure’, ‘scary’ and even ‘psycho’.

On an aside, it is interesting to note that dictionary.com lists one definition of 

pos·sess  [puh-zes]  as

5. (of a man) to succeed in having sexual intercourse with

I should have known then that here was a difference that could explain so much about how we view men and women.

For instance, a dedicated wife finds a respectable adjective in ‘pativrata’ but a dedicated husband must be assigned the much condemned epithet of ‘joru ka ghulam’.

For most, a woman being servile is a virtue and a man being servile is just wrong. Though the mindful question would be why anyone needs to be servile at all, I’d side step it at this point considering the extreme mindlessness that surrounds me. The equality debate comes up here, and I find equality a fuzzy idea. It’s a difficult concept to manifest given the very, very disparate nature of men and women. But what is so difficult about mutual respect? Isn’t it simply logical to have the same rules across genders?

But our rules, they are never the same. Self help books teach men how to ‘win’ women and teach women how to ‘keep’ their men. The ‘keeper’ is always the woman, be it of ‘izzat’, of ‘sanskar’, of ‘family name’. There’s no respite from the albatross around her neck.

A married woman cannot have a ‘khaali gala’; she must wear the mangal sutra; others must know she is literally tethered. But a man wears no signs of being ‘possessed’, save for the relatively modern symbol of an elusive wedding band.

When a man is angry, he is a spectacle (our Hindi movies and Amitabh Bachchan being a case in point) - animal-like, he has raw energy, sexual or otherwise, frothing from lesser known orifices. But an angry woman is a contemptible ‘wild cat’ (remember the inauspicious ‘kaali billi’ reference?). Even Priyanka Chopra and Kareena Kapoor aren’t spared; when their egos clash, they have a ‘cat fight’; as opposed to Salman and Aamir, who have a dignified ‘fall out’.

Never has a man been labeled a ‘home breaker’ and I have been waiting for a moment when someone around me would come to a girl's defense and say to a guy, ‘girls will be girls’.

So a woman is there for the taking. She’s to be won, if not treasured, to be guarded, if not cherished. She remains exposed - to comments, to leers, to taunts, to judgments. Fearlessly and perpetually possessed by every soulless man who thinks it’s ok to lech at her. And I look on, with no hope whatsoever of an exorcism in the near future.

A Faith in Magic

It might sound crazy, but I remember being 6 years old. Remember it vividly, like it was yesterday. I even remember the sound of the school bell (the old kind, the real bell).

I remember I was 6, and Dido was 10 when one day she took me to the first floor at the end of the recess, promising me a surprise, and showed me where the sound of the bell came from, showed me the bell-woman ringing the bell. I felt like we solved a mystery that day, and only a trifle bit disappointed at the fact that the bell was not magical, only mechanical.

I did not comprehend the fascination behind toys, or swings, or fancy pencil boxes. Ironically, I have that fascination now, since the last couple of years, probably when I try to hold on to bits of childhood that aren’t mine anymore, and probably never were.

As a child, I remember several delightful moments, but not a single one of them involves dolls or toys; surprisingly, they all involve things that came free of cost….

I remember how I felt all warm inside when I saw dido at the door of my KG-II classroom door, when she'd come to see if I am alright, when she herself was 8.

I remember how precious I felt when dada would bully the kids in the auto rickshaw so I could sit on the ‘seat’, an honour indeed.

I remember how peaceful I felt when I’d lie next to Dabudo and he’d tell me stories, of life and love and trust and choices.

I remember how important I felt when Bu would admire me, talk to me, not baby-talk, which I found condescending, but real-talk, like she cared about what I said, and my opinion counted.

I remember how special I felt when I was sent to pick up Lo and Daus from school, or take Yudi to the park; it made me feel like a Mum- reliable and indispensible.

I remember how fulfilled I felt when I’d keep awake till Ma and Baba returned, and the way they smiled seeing I was up waiting and the way they’d hug me like I was all that mattered.

Growing up was a bit like finding the source of the school bell…. I found that the world is a little less magical, a little more ‘practical’. But I am not complaining at all, because I am so glad that I always could, and still can, feel the magic in the little things that really matter.

I think this is the best part of childhood that you can retain. The faith, that there’s a bit of magic everywhere. The faith that this magic can be found if you’re truly seeking it.

And it might be the bell-woman who’s ringing the bell, but if it’s your most favourite person in the world who’s showing you this reality, the reality doesn’t seem so bad after all, and the magic doesn’t seem too faraway.

Birth of a Dream

It’s funny, how we grow up expecting some basic concrete certainties, how we take as given a few eventualities, and yet when they occur, we are thrown off guard, completely taken by surprise and left staggering and gobsmacked!

One such incident was when Dido became a mum. All of us knew that Anisha will come into the world in the first week of March. We were waiting, we were jubilant, and we were thrilled. But despite this, nothing had prepared me for the heart wrenching joy that I felt, when I held her in my arms for the first time. Nothing could explain the endless flow of my tears, the overwhelming wonder that I was drowning in, and the deep, inherent love that I felt for her.

Little did I know that this small bundle of impossible beauty that was sleeping in my arms, peacefully content, all of 2.8 kgs, would soon be ruling the house, and all our worlds, totally disrupting any order, method and discipline (or the lack thereof) that previously existed!

Everyone instantly had an opinion of who she looks like, what her gestures symbolized. Someone even declared what she was in the previous birth and in what circumstances she died. Not only that, everyone even started contemplating what she would grow up to be, and why, and who she would be like and how. It was as if her Janam Patri was being made in real time in an audio visual mode!

But I don’t see how all these things matter. I feel what really matters is that here we have a person, who is untainted with any prejudices whatsoever that all of us invariably get conditioned into having. She’s pure, she’s trusting, she’s amazing, and she’s ours. She is a symbol of hope for tomorrow, and a proof that love exists. And it doesn’t matter what she does, what she grows up to be or who she resembles..... What matters is that we’ll love her anyway, and love her immensely, and only hope that she learns to appreciate the simple things that really matter, like Hope and Faith and Love, and one day grows up to be the best she can be.. Nothing More, Nothing Less.

Branded For Posterity

Recently, Dada and I were talking about discrimination. We were discussing how deeply rooted discrimination is in all our minds. Which made me think, about how we’ve blurred the lines between differentiation and discrimination by strokes of prejudice.

Sounding too extreme? Let’s look at it this way.... What’s the first thing we do when we meet someone? Ask them their name? It could be Rahul, Aamir or Harmeet.

So he’s a Hindu, Muslim or Punjabi..... First step of slotting completed.

Next Question: 'What do you do?' The answer would probably decide how much worth you associate with that person. A professional? Awesome. An okay job? Not so great. Unemployed? Why, you must be brave to show your face in public!

Second slot allotted.

I could go on and on, but let’s not go there. By no means do I mean that we begin by asking politically wrong questions, nor do I mean that all of us have a devious, intentional, hidden agenda while making small talk.

My point is, all of us, in our small ways, simplify our life by slotting people into categories, to make it easier for ourselves to deal with them. In short, we brand them for posterity.

Examples? Well.... Bengalis are 'lazy' but 'cultured', Tamilians are 'intelligent' and 'hard working', Punjabis are 'fun loving'.... so on and so forth. We thus brand people, because it’s so much easier to deal with familiarity and what is unfamiliar is so intimidating.

You can call it generalisation, of course, but I’d say that even generalisation hints at prejudice. When you decide what someone is like, without giving them a fair chance, that does allude to prejudice, doesn't it?

I wish we could reach a point where we could, in the truest sense, be Open. Give everyone a fair chance to show what they are beneath the layers of labels that they possess, beyond the tags of community, religion, sex, race etc. In other words, just let them Be, for the sake of being....

My faith in humanity says this will happen one day, and this faith presently overshadows the little voice in my head that uncannily resembles reality. But while I have the faith, I shall hope for the best and keep my fingers crossed! :')

P.S - To be fair, though, I am half Bengali, and I am Definitely Lazy! :P

The Hope from a Soap

Log in to Orkut and search ‘Ekta Kapoor’ in communities. The number of Hate Clubs you’ll find will leave you gaping. It’s amazing how almost everyone seems to find her serials disgusting. Ironically, they are the top grossers of Indian Television. Perhaps I wouldn’t tune into one of the K serials intentionally; but that’s because I’m simply too lazy. Too lazy to follow a soap, too lazy to hate someone who doesn’t even know me, and much too lazy to join a Hate Club (In fact there are a lot of Fan Clubs I haven’t been able to join due to sheer laziness!!)

I personally have nothing against her anyway. In fact, I admire her for coming up with something so novel and so profitable that she’s playing in millions and generating huge employment for the country. Not to mention she’s turning many a dreams into reality. Post Ekta Kapoor, not everyone has to be a movie star to have their share of glamour or their 15 minutes of fame. They can have the same through Television, something that’s much easier and quicker to get into. Ekta Kapoor has turned a dream into a career choice, and I respect her for that.

There’s another reason I hold no grudges against K-serials. They are amazingly informative and incredibly entertaining.

Once in a month, I watch either ‘Kyunki’ or ‘Kasturi’. It’s wonderful, how the story (or the lack of it) crawls around exactly where I left it. The only changes would be that suddenly, overnight, one of the ‘good characters’
(good=salwar kameez/ saari clad docile woman with ankle length hair, clinking bangles, patronizing smile, fluttering eyelashes and overflowing tears)

Would turn ‘bad’
By ‘bad’ they mean someone who talks to himself/ herself loud enough for us to hear, the monologue being accompanied by appropriate facial expressions which are unnaturally and conveniently not noticed by anyone (what are the chances!!)

The ‘bad’ person would be spiteful just for the heck of it, deviantly greedy, and forever possessing unbelievable schadenfreude.

Women wear designer sarees and footwear at home (and still need to 'change' when stepping out). Mothers cook in the kitchen with one hand clutching the mobile phone (inevitably the latest Nokia model). The men wear blazers at dinner (talk about dressing for dinner!). The kids are always flawlessly dressed (where's the childhood gone anyway?). Plus there are people who 'warn' the protagonist and call meetings at God forsaken places, where they greet their cherished visitors in long black hoods and gloves and capes (in Bombay's sweltering heat!) and drum their fingers against whatever platform they can find (huh??). Heroines pledge to avenge the murder of their husbands (by marrying the killer!!!) and the best part? Everything happens thrice!!

As a patron of The Unintentional Comedy, I am greatly entertained by the K-soap, which delivers it at my home for free. Otherwise I’d have had to wait another lifetime for something like ‘Jaani Dushman’ or ‘Prem Aggan’ to tickle my funny bone.

I agree that watching the episode for longer than 15 minutes gives me a headache; but it’s worth the fun if watched with care at long enough intervals.

One of the aforementioned communities have rightly pointed out that K-soap is very close to Science Fiction; what with spectacular plastic surgery and fast forwarding time, and people living over 200 years. I couldn’t agree more! See how informative the soaps are?? Which other soaps venture into SciFi, pray tell??

Another hilarious aspect is the scale on which they earn and measure money.

For instance, let me document a monologue of a devious mind here…

*thinking alound and wincing*

“एक बार मेरे बेहेन के देवर के ससुर के मामा के पितः के चाचा के मौसेरे भाई की मौत हो जाये, तो उनकि 450 करोड़ की जायदाद का अकेला वारीस उनका बेटा होगा, और उसे अपने प्यार के जाल में फसाकर मैं ये सारी जायदाद की मल्कीं बन जाऊंगी… हहाहहाहा
(akin to Phoebe’s ‘Plan Laughter’)”

450 crore!! Can you beat it!! :)

Well as long as such entertainment is so readily available, I’m not complaining. After all I am a big sucker for melodrama, often indulging in it myself.

Why let Indian Television stay devoid of it!?

A Night To Remember

The last play I acted in required me to dance. For most people, this wouldn’t sound like a big deal. But it is for me. And How!!

The thing is, I can’t dance to save my life. Saying I have two left feet is a grave insult to anyone who actually has two left feet. When I dance, it looks like a cute, clumsy froggy of a hitherto unknown species is trying to impress a particularly attractive tribal froggy. My moves are like the ones you could find in a Hula Dance of a Creepy ritual, where forlorn prehistoric clans are trying to invoke the Gods of Rain (or Fire?) in vain.

Anyway, being the sport I am, I did the role anyway and just about managed to pull it off on the final day. And when I say I pulled it off, I mean that I didn’t step on my partner’s toes or cause him a grave injury in any other way; neither did I fall flat on my face, or skid, or slip, or die.

That was a happy enough ending. Trouble started when I pushed my luck too far. Being overconfident as I am, I now began to think that I’m actually a born dancer and I just didn’t recognize this glorious talent that I had always possessed.

So what did I do? When Tanu asked me to dance at her brother’s wedding I said yes. I dragged an apprehensive Piyuda along with me and it was decided we would dance on the song ‘Pyaar Ki Ye Kahani Suno’ from ‘Honeymoon travels’.

So the ‘practices’ started. Tanu hired a choreographer to teach us the moves, and I’m sure I have harmed that guy in grievous ways in atleast four of my past lives, because he actually tried to teach us Salsa moves. Piyuda caught on pretty fast. I struggled and stumbled till he tore his hair off and let me move ahead with Salsa moves of my own which, like the Men in Black, do not officially exist.

We were short of time, juggling job and errands and what not, and having put in an hour or two of practice, we hopped on stage. I was (over)confident we’d do it, Piyuda was more realistic. When we actually were on stage, however, my mind drew a complete blank and I did a whole new dance. It wasn’t salsa, it wasn’t jive, it wasn’t anything but the moves of a cute, clumsy froggy of a hitherto unknown species trying to impress a particularly attractive tribal froggy. Piyuda did a lot better, but it was in vain since by that time we were giving two solo dance performances simultaneously, as opposed to a well rehearsed, coordinated, synchronized dance that was expected from us. In my defence, I must mention that throughout the show, we maintained eye contact with the audience, in the most unabashed and unembarrassed way, as if what we were doing was actually planned. Somewhere at the back of the audience, our choreographer was showing us the actual moves… which, I’m sorry to say, got us even more confused to the point that he kept dancing ignored, unnoticed and in vain.

I continued to dance, expressions and all, when I suddenly found that Piyuda had stopped, which meant that our bit was over and I should have stopped atleast 20 seconds ago. In spite of realizing my folly, I ended with a flourish, expectantly looking at the audience, anticipating a thunderous applause, which, for some obscure reason, did not come.

We gracefully left the stage, with all the satisfaction of a job well done.

Tanu hasn’t called me since. For reasons of comfort and convenience, I’m hoping that is because she’s busy and occupied, and not because I embarrassed her in such an important function.

The best part is, that Piyuda and I are proud of our effort, and most unaffected. For all you know, the next time someone asks me to dance, I might just do it again.

Some people never learn, and I’m so definitely one of them!!
Thank Heaven for small mercies!! :)

"Work like you don't need money, Love like you've never been hurt, And dance like no one's watching."

Porphyria's Lover

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Sorry about that. I was laughing at my previous post. Man it's funny!!

*patting myself on the back*
:)

Anyway... coming to the topic at hand....

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Wait I'm still laughing at the previous post... Kya karen yaar i tend to be nostalgic!!

Ok anyway...

Coming back...

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Guess what??

Nope I'm not laughing at the previous post anymore you moron... I'm laughing at you, because you've read this far hoping to read something productive... and there's nothing productive in this post!! :)

Wait I’m kidding!!

Read on… Here’s a poem by Robert Browning. It’s actually a Dramatic Monologue (if you don’t know what that means, who cares? I can’t help it if you don’t have an Additional B.A in English Literature like I do *showing off* ;)

Ok now concentrate on reading.

Porphyria's Lover

by Robert Browning

The rain set early in to-night,
The sullen wind was soon awake,
It tore the elm-tops down for spite,
And did its worst to vex the lake:
I listened with heart fit to break.
When glided in Porphyria; straight
She shut the cold out and the storm,
And kneeled and made the cheerless grate
Blaze up, and all the cottage warm;
Which done, she rose, and from her form
Withdrew the dripping cloak and shawl,
And laid her soiled gloves by, untied
Her hat and let the damp hair fall,
And, last, she sat down by my side
And called me. When no voice replied,
She put my arm about her waist,
And made her smooth white shoulder bare,
And all her yellow hair displaced,
And, stooping, made my cheek lie there,
And spread, o'er all, her yellow hair,
Murmuring how she loved me--she
Too weak, for all her heart's endeavour,
To set its struggling passion free
From pride, and vainer ties dissever,
And give herself to me for ever.
But passion sometimes would prevail,
Nor could to-night's gay feast restrain
A sudden thought of one so pale
For love of her, and all in vain:
So, she was come through wind and rain.
Be sure I looked up at her eyes
Happy and proud; at last I knew
Porphyria worshipped me; surprise
Made my heart swell, and still it grew
While I debated what to do.
That moment she was mine, mine, fair,
Perfectly pure and good: I found
A thing to do, and all her hair
In one long yellow string I wound
Three times her little throat around,
And strangled her.

No pain felt she;
I am quite sure she felt no pain.
As a shut bud that holds a bee,
I warily oped her lids: again
Laughed the blue eyes without a stain.
And I untightened next the tress
About her neck; her cheek once more
Blushed bright beneath my burning kiss:
I propped her head up as before,
Only, this time my shoulder bore
Her head, which droops upon it still:
The smiling rosy little head,
So glad it has its utmost will,
That all it scorned at once is fled,
And I, its love, am gained instead!
Porphyria's love: she guessed not how
Her darling one wish would be heard.
And thus we sit together now,
And all night long we have not stirred,
And yet God has not said a word!

Great na? Yeah I know… the best part is it can be interpreted in several ways… For instance Fuzz thinks Porphyria’s lover died… I don’t think so.

There are several interpretations online, it's very interesting.

Which reminds me, did you know that Hercule Poirot believes everyone is capable of murder? Frightening, na?

Well that was trivia combined with an insight into the poem.. Go figure, if you will, or close the damn window!! :)

A Spirited Pride

When I was 11 years old, Dada (that’s my elder brother) told me I was defensive. I disagreed, only to realize 10 years later (that’s 2 years back) that I was.
(Though, if he’s to be trusted I’m also irritating, repulsive, a pain in the a** and basically shouldn’t have been born in the first place ;) but let’s not go into that presently... :)

I recently realized that this defensiveness of mine is extendable(yeah wrong word but who cares?), and covers not only me but my family, friends, relatives, and (surprisingly?) my country.

I’ve found that when it comes to India, my defensiveness takes the shape of Aggressive Patriotism, owing to which I become almost antagonistic with whoever belittles my country, or talks badly of it.

I spent a lot of time in London arguing with people who insisted that

• the Rick Guys in Mumbai leave their home in the morning pledging to fleece at least 435 NRIs/ tourists;
• Snake Charmers and Elephants freely roam the streets while fakirs dance naked and fat Maharajas belch;
• anyone who earns a fair bit only have to snap their fingers to conjure 100 odd servants to do their bidding;
• Life in India is so much ‘Easier’ etc.

(yeah I’m exaggerating a bit, but what can you do about it? Hyuk. Hyuk.)

Well, whenever such charges came up, I responded immediately, with anything between intelligent, logical argument to unreasonable and irrational justifications, just to put my point across.

My point being; that I’m proud of my country, and not apologetic about it.

I’m not denying that there are things that are wrong about India, but so is the case with every other country, na? Let’s take a moment and reflect how India is decidedly Unique, and has reasons to be Proud; reasons even beyond Tajmahal and Democracy and Tradition and Beauty.

So here goes…

• Most of the population speaks at least two languages. And pretty effortlessly.
• Whether it’s Diwali, or Id, or Ganesh Chaturthi, people irrespective of their religions will celebrate the festival together, truly joined by spirit.
• No matter who’s getting married, if there’s a band playing on the road, you can go start dancing and you’ll be more than welcome (try it, if you haven't already)
• Whether it be Bombay, Calcutta, Delhi or Bangalore, each city has a different Spirit you can’t help but perceive... and enjoy.
• When there’s an India Pakistan cricket match, there’s no one outside and total strangers gather at shops to watch the match together. And when India wins, people dance on the roads and make a ruckus (I Love this part so much!!)
• People are emotional to the limit of being Dramatic; and that’s totally endearing.
• If you’re a guest at somebody's place, they’ll let you take their room and sleep in the lounge themselves.
• You can have 50 guests at your home no matter how small it is… people will manage in one bathroom, sleep on the floor, and yet enjoy themselves to the hilt.
• People will do anything for the sake of Love, Loyalty and Friendship, and proudly at that, and believe in these values from the bottom of the heart.
• Everyone has an opinion about everything, and everything is everyone’s business.. :)

The list, actually, is Endless... but this shall do for now. A lot of the points are generalised, but had i written 'Almost Everyone' instead of 'Everyone' it would have pretty much defeated the purpose, and my post's tone as well.... :)

No matter which country we belong to, it doesn't become any of us to talk badly of the place we come from. For me, defending my country is a part of respecting it (though this might not hold true for the next person) and I'll defend it tooth and tooth (i would have fought tooth and nail, but i ran out of nails while assembling the Do-It-Yourself furniture at Dido's).

Bad jokes apart (I know they aren't bad, but I'm modest) I'm Extremely Proud of India, and Everything Indian.
And if I'm overdoing the Patriotic bit, it's because I'm capable of overdoing just about anything. To the point when i become irritating, repulsive and a pain in the a**...
Hey, What do you know? Dada was right about that as well... :)

'Into My Own' by Robert Frost

ONE of my wishes is that those dark trees,
So old and firm they scarcely show the breeze,
Were not, as ’twere, the merest mask of gloom,
But stretched away unto the edge of doom.
I should not be withheld but that some day	5
Into their vastness I should steal away,
Fearless of ever finding open land,
Or highway where the slow wheel pours the sand.
I do not see why I should e’er turn back,
Or those should not set forth upon my track	10
To overtake me, who should miss me here
And long to know if still I held them dear.
They would not find me changed from him they knew—
Only more sure of all I thought was true. Amazing..... :)

Just Like Magic...

I love this picture. It’s a still from a movie called ‘Before Sunset’ (as is obvious). It’s a sequel to a movie called ‘Before Sunrise’. To put it simply, I’m totally Gobsmacked by the sheer brilliance of these movies. (Thanks to Abhinav for recommending them :) The only movie that I liked as much was ‘If Only’, but that’s in a different league altogether. While ‘If Only’ was perfect and ideal and dramatic, ‘Before Sunrise’ and ‘Before Sunset’ may as well have been out of a day of your life. In fact while watching the movie(s), you forget it’s a movie at all. The acting is amazingly Simple and simply Amazing.

You know why I Love this picture? Because when you look at it you can actually see the Comfort between the characters as a Real, Tangible Force. That’s the beauty of the movie(s). What they’ve been successful in bringing about is the Comfort between the protagonists which I feel, makes the core of the movie(s). Never have I seen such chemistry between the lead actors. Never have I seen Communication being presented so well. The movie, in fact, is all Communication. The guy and the girl fall in Love in front of you, because, for the first time (in my knowledge) has someone actually shown the process of falling in Love. It happens right there, in front of you, scene by scene. To top it, this Magical process is not tainted by any outside element, because for all practical purposes, there are only two actors. And nothing has been captured except for their Love and its Magic.

I feel this movie would give a lot of answers to anyone looking for Simplicity. I wish ‘Before Sunset’ had ‘Somewhere Only We Know’ by Keane as one of its songs. It would’ve been Perfect. I was reminded of the song more than once while watching the movie.

The thing I loved best is- in both the movies, there’s no inhibitedness, no holding back, no pretensions, no games. There’s only Love, Communication, Impulsiveness, Honesty and Abandon. While the first one is more Honest, Pure and closer to my heart, the next one is equally Simple, heart wrenchingly Sensitive and just as Moving.

I’m not very sure if everyone will like the movie(s)… [it touched me, yes, but then I have a weird taste in movies… :)] but I’m sure of this: if the movies does Move you; does Touch you, you’ll discover a Whole New Feeling, a Whole New Emotion, which I simply can’t define, or express… for, like all Joys, and every Magic, it can only be Experienced.

The Love-Hate Relationship

'hate', as an Emotion (if you can call it that) confuses me. All I understand about it is that it’s Powerful... and most powerful things are dangerous.

I’ve never been comfortable with hating. Swapnil once told me long back… ‘You need to give a lot of importance to someone you hate, why would you do that?’ And I couldn’t agree more.

I don’t understand these communities in Orkut that say ‘I Hate Angelina Jolie’ or ‘I Hate Aishwarya Rai’… Man what difference does it make to any of them whether you hate them or not!! Why give them so much of importance? I’d understand ‘I Hate Child Labour’ but, Aishwarya Rai? C’mon!! I mean, do you know her personally or something!!

I hate too, of course… I mean I hate child abuse and eve teasing and injustice... but that’s about it!! It needs a lot of passion to hate, and I’d rather be passionately in Love than Hate!! :)

I mean, look at it this way… you Love a person with all your heart say Mr. X and he has no idea. You love him, it makes you feel good, and you’re happy to be in Love. Years later, you meet Mr. X who’s married and settled and you tell him you’ve always loved him. He feels good, you feel good and all is hunky dory. Now imagine you hate Mr. X and he doesn’t know you exist. You feel angry when you look at him, disgusted when you talk about him and years later you tell him you hate him. He feels important and amused, you feel worse and bitter and you’ve wasted a lifetime hurting no one but yourself. Why would anyone do that?!

If it makes anyone happy to hate, maybe they should go ahead and keep hating... but well, I doubt that... I don’t deny Loving can hurt you… but personally, I’d rather hurt loving than hurt hating!

And you know, in the end, it’s the Loving that defines you. If you had only one more day to live, you’d spend it with the people you love; you’d not spend it shooting the people you hate (I mean unless you’re a bit screwed up). In fact chances are you’d realize you don’t even want to kill them… but then that’s forgiveness we’re talking about; let’s not get into that in this post.

So here I’m talking about Love again. How hackneyed is that… God I hope I didn’t sound all soppy... I mean... I’d really Hate that!! ;)

Words

The people who read my blog regularly (God help them) would know my obsession with communication. Words fascinate me. Nothing quite compares to the joy I feel when I see a feeling expressed in a word. So you can appreciate my jubilance when I came across these words…

‘Wbi’ is Japanese for ‘the beauty of Simplicity’

‘Shibui’ is Japanese for ‘Restrained Elegance’

‘Torschlusspanik’ is German for ‘Fear of being left on the shelf’

On a lighter note,

‘Mvuki’ is Swahili for ‘shucking off your clothes’ (*evil grin*)

‘Drachenfutter’ is German for ‘peace offerings for wife from husband (literally, dragon fodder… hyuk hyuk)

‘Attacabottoni’ is Italian for ‘a bore who corners people with sad, boring tales’

And the most amazing one…

‘Razlyubit’ is Russian for ‘the feeling for someone you’ve once loved but now do not’ Brilliant, isn’t it…

I’m sure many of us suffer from ‘Torschlusspanik’ and 90% of us feel ‘Razlyubit’ for at least one person... *sly grin*

There’s nothing like Words, and there’s nothing like Communication… and there’s no one as repetitive as I am… so I’ll stop the banter now before I become an ‘Attacabottoni’ :)

Less Than Faithful...

I’ve often talked about Love; its Magnitude, its Power, its very Existence. Perhaps I haven’t been very ‘practical’ in my outlook, maybe I haven’t even been exactly factual, but then it’s simply because of my obstinate Faith in humankind :)

However, one facet of Human Nature that deals with the actual part of Love and intrigues me no end is Infidelity.

I watched ‘Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna’ sometime ago, and I was surprised to find that I liked the movie. Simply because the movie made me think. Granted, it could’ve been made in a much better way, but the train of thought it set into motion is quite interesting.

I’ve always disapproved of infidelity… (maybe that has something to do with me being a Sagittarian :) but now I am not sure if it’s always as simple as that. When are things black and white anyway? I don’t say there can be a time when infidelity can be totally justified. But perhaps there can be a time when it is excused, made an allowance for. With little help from good old poetic license, I differentiated Infidelity from Unfaithfulness.

By my definition, Infidelity is deliberate, unfaithfulness is accidental. The former perhaps stems out from shortcomings of a relationship which are only unconsciously acknowledged, and manifest themselves in form of infidelity. Unfaithfulness, though is more of a reaction, an impulse, not intended consciously or unconsciously.

For instance, when Chandler shares what he does with Kathy, Joey’s girl, can that really be judged simply as betrayal on Chandler’s part or adulterous on Kathy’s part? I think not. It might have been a breach of Faith, but it was not a disrespect of love, or friendship.

Deliberate breach of faith or even exploitation of love is definitely not acceptable. But when you fall in love with someone you shouldn’t, is that immoral? When you get carried away momentarily, is that criminal?

Of course this is a very delicate, and more importantly a case specific issue. And yes, Ideally speaking, Love deserves neither unfaithfulness nor infidelity. But in case such a thing does happen, isn’t forgiveness and making an allowance also a part of True Love? Doesn’t everyone deserve a second chance?

Perhaps there are no definite answers to these questions. Or perhaps all of us have answers of our own, within ourselves.

There are many things that can go wrong in a relationship. But it takes two people to make a relationship work. To make it, or break it. And if they want it to work, it will. Come hell or high water.

Maybe what I’m saying doesn’t always stand true. But I want to believe it does, and I will… because… you know, at the end of the day… Love is Enough really... and I’m stubborn!! :)

I-deal in Ideas

This post might seem familiar to you… either because famous writers have written something on similar lines, or because this particular thought has crossed your mind at least Once. Though I know the former event is more likely to occur, I desperately hope it’s the latter that does… And if neither rings a bell, well, I can always try again… :)

So here goes

At one point or another, all of us think of something Great, something Novel… an Idea that can bring about an Amazing Change; in our Lives, or in the World.

Some of us choose to express this Idea. Some of us don’t.

Some of us act on it. Some of us don’t.

What happens if we follow such an Idea? What happens if we don’t?

I don’t really know.

I believe, though, that whatever happens next is simply a reaction to the Choice we make.

There are no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ choices. Simply Choices.

There are no ‘good’ or ‘bad’ ideas. Simply Ideas.

And just like all of us have an Opinion, we all have an Idea…

What’s yours?

Huh...?

Man what a load of mush back there!! What was i thinking!! Won't delete the post though... it's mushy, but sweet!! :)

Love Anyway...

I know I’ve tried to justify the loss of faith and the lack of love; in this blog, and pretty much all the time. But it hurts me, when I see people who’ve lost faith; ones who are disillusioned. I wish it didn’t have to be this way. I wish it were easier to overcome disillusionment. I wish we could all find it in ourselves to keep believing, even if it means getting hurt sometimes.

I had read this piece of prose years back, and I love what it says. It expresses what I feel pretty well.

Check it out...

‘People are unreasonable, illogical and self-centered.
Love them anyway.
If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.
The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.
People really need help but may attack if you help them.
Help people anyway.
Give the world the best you have and you might get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you've got anyway…’

Admitted it's a bit generalized, but thats just to emphasize the point, i think... All in all, it makes a lot of sense. To me, at least... :)

And to put aside the apprehensions that a doubtful heart may still have…. one of my favourite quotes...

‘To love and win is the best thing. To love and lose, the next best...’
- William M. Thackeray :)

'All I Know' by Five For Fighting

I bruise you
you bruise me
we both bruise so easily
too easily to let it show
I love You, and thats all i know

and all my plans
keep fallin through
all my plans they
depend on you
depend on you
to help them grow
I love You
and thats all i know

when the singer's gone
let the song go on
there's a fine line between
the darkness and the dawn
they say in the darkest night
theres a light beyond

and the ending always
comes at last
endings always
come too fast
they come too fast
and they pass too slow
I love You
and thats all,
it's really all i know

it's all i know

Amazing isn't it... :')

Feels Like Bliss!!!

I love traveling. It gives me a release. Not to mention an amazing insight into what I am. And a lot many answers. This time was no different. It was also extra special. This time my holiday made me very happy.

I cannot define the State of Happiness. So I won’t try. But I can damn well illustrate it… by putting up my picture! You see I don’t remember being as happy as I am, as of now, as of the present...

And with good reason!! In the last week, I got to be with my favourite people, saw my dream house, met my dream guy… oh it was Amazing! Talk about dreams coming true :) It’s marvelous to enjoy happiness before it’s gone. Most of us glamorize sorrow so much, that we fail to acknowledge the simple pleasure happiness brings.

There are always things to bog you down, but what helps, every time, is looking at the Bigger Picture. It sounds simple, and obvious, but it’s surprising just how many times we overlook this simple fact. Strange, but true!!

As is obvious, I’m on a big ‘Count- Your - Blessings’ spree and loving every minute of it. God is in His Heaven, and all is Right with the World. At least my World :)

Theorizing Faith...

I’ve always believed in the Power of Love, Faith, Communication et al. And then I’ve also disapproved of cynicism, lack of faith or specifically, Disillusionment.

Now I think differently. Not about the believing part, but the ‘losing faith’ part.

I believe, when a relationship ends, it’s pretty alright, healthy, in fact, for a person to have what I call a Mourning Period. You mourn because you’ve cherished and Respected the relationship, and hence when you mourn it, you do justice to the magnitude of emotions you’ve felt. Fair enough. Love is worth every tear you shed, after all.

Some people get over the past, some get ahead. Some find the strength or the chance to love again and then there are some who don’t. Who lose their faith. It’s sad really, to see someone give up hope like that. You’d think they aren’t strong enough.

But then I feel this lack of faith after a relationship can be explained. Look at it this way... when people are left Disillusioned after the end of a relationship, does it not mean that they had put so much faith, so much of themselves into the relationship, that with its end, they simply lost themselves... zapped out of everything? Does it not mean that they Respected that relationship so much, that it actually had the Power to render them faithless? Because something can only affect you when it has a Power over you, right? So, for that particular person, doesn’t Losing Faith actually signify a deep, irreplaceable reverence in the Power of Love? I think so.

I am not seeking to justify Disillusionment here. Nor do I think I can ever get disillusioned myself. I’m only forwarding a theory, which may or may not be true. (*disclaimer* if you will :) Personally, I maintain, it’s infinitely better to keep the Faith... the Hope... that itself makes Everything fall into Place... Eventually... :)

Granted, it’s said that ‘who has no hopes, has no fears’. And perhaps Faithlessness does manifest itself as Fearlessness. But then, given a choice, wouldn’t we rather be Hopeful than Fearless!! :)

Gobsmacked…

Since a few months now I wanted to watch ‘If Only’. I don’t know why. Nobody recommended the movie to me; neither did I ever watch its promos. Never have I heard anybody mention it, and neither do I know if it did well or not, whether it was acclaimed or not.

But now I know why I wanted to watch it. I simply had to. I’m still in a daze, after having seen it. It’s The Perfect Story. And it’s Alive. Saying that it touched me will be an understatement. Saying that it’s the Best movie I’ve ever seen doesn’t seem to do Justice to it either. It’s more than a movie really. I have no words. I’m gobsmacked.

Music of the Soul(mate)...

So… I find my soul mate at last, only to discover that he died 144 years ago… sad huh? Well that little fact won’t stop us from being soul mates!! :)

His name’s Henry David Thoreau… a familiar name to all, I daresay...

I read his quotes extensively only recently and that is when I realized that in some previous birth, we were definitely together… :)

Just check out the stuff my sweetheart’s written.....!

‘The cost of a thing is the amount of what I call life which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run’
(A simple fact really, but one we often overlook)

‘As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler’
(Akin to my ‘Complex by default, Simple by Choice'... but so much better!)

‘In human intercourse the tragedy begins, not when there is misunderstanding about words, but when silence is not understood’
(nothing's as true as that)

‘Pursue some path, however narrow and crooked, in which you can walk with love and reverence’
(umm.. that is more or less what I keep trying to say na… :)

‘It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see’
(Just when you needed something deeper than ‘glass half full’)

‘The heart is forever inexperienced’
(Thank Heaven for small mercies... I’d rather it be that way)

'I know of no more encouraging fact than the unquestioned ability of a man to elevate his life by Conscious Endeavor'
(Exactly…!)

'If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away'
(That's So Comforting… :)

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the Life you've imagined!'
(Here’s hoping we all do!)

And this one’s my all time favourite (quite predictably!)

'There is no remedy for Love but to Love more’

Ahh… he’s put that so well, it sounds like music! :)

Drifting Dreams...

I love this picture… took it myself… :)

I don’t understand much about photography, neither am I an enthusiast, unless when it comes to appreciating pictures...

I only click what I feel is too precious to lose and enjoy the feeling that for one tiny moment, I’ve captured Time… :)

I call this one ‘Drifting’. Took it before sunrise. I can really relate to the clouds here. It seems as if they, like me, are on their way to another World, not sure what it holds, but wanting to explore it nonetheless… :)

Wondering why I was up before sunrise?

Well you would be too, if nightmares woke you up all the time and made you too scared to go to sleep again… God Forbid, though... wouldn’t wish that on anybody... it’s the worst thing, having recurring, terrible nightmares... makes you dread the night, fear the evenings… leaves you feeling threatened and vulnerable… :(

Don’t sympathize as yet, though... it’s not always that bad... especially once you get used to it. And then sometimes, I do sleep well. In fact I remember three nights when I had blissful, amazing, dreamless sleep.

But that’s another story, of another time… or perhaps, another dream? :)

Sense and Sensitivity...

Sounds good, doesn’t it?? Sense and Sensitivity... An alliteration (one of my fave figures of speech) and at a safe distance from downright plagiarism… (for everyone who knows what I’m talking about.. and for those who don’t, welcome to the club!! I don’t know myself!!)

but I fooled you! This post isn’t about sense or sensitivity... (Snicker Snicker) :)

Still want to continue reading?? Fair enough!! I believe in second chances too... :)

This post is actually about Nothing… you think there can’t be a post on Nothing? Well I’m going to prove you wrong!!

Notice how I’m keeping the tone of this passage (man RC is getting to me!) strictly interactive?? In spite of the fact that there haven’t been any comments on the past two posts?? Now what does that tell you?? I’ll tell you what that tells you…

1. I am slow
2. I am dumb
3. I never learn
4. I’m going to continue blabbering
   

Any complaints? Disagreements?? Of course not! How can there be when nobody is reading this at all? Which brings us to a very interesting question… why am I writing this then?? I’ll tell you… I’m writing because I have nothing better to do… and when I’ve nothing better to do (which is most of the time) I write!! Notice how I’ve managed to be jobless myself and waste your time too!! Man I’m brilliant! Scratch the previous conclusions!!
Now... How much of your time did I ruin?

1-2 mins – you’re good at RC

2-5 mins – you’re not good at RC

5-7 mins – hang on… do you even care about these estimates!! Because I’m kidding and these are fake!!

Any guesses why I’m so foolish?? Yeah you got it! (I know you didn’t, but I can’t say ‘you dunce, why the *&^% can’t you get it?’ right?) So…. I took Steve Jobs too seriously when he said ‘Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish’ which reminds me, that I’m hungry!!

So I’ll stop here! Yes, finally!! So I’ve managed to talk about nothing!! *applause* :)

As always, I love it when I don’t make sense!! :)

About Time...

Sometimes, a really weird thing happens to me. When I get up in the morning, I suddenly go back in time. I might feel it is 2003 and I need to work for NASA, or it is 1999 and I need to go to school, or it’s 2005 and I need to get ready for office. Sometimes I start searching for a ring on the bed, that I distinctly remember having worn before I went to sleep, only to discover that I gave it to Dido a fortnight back. It’s spooky, if not scary. Not being in tune with time can make you feel very helpless.

Such a crazy thing, Time. So Powerful, so Overwhelming. It can heal the deepest wounds, or leave the deepest scar. It makes allowances for everything… your sweetest memory, your greatest fear, your best achievement; your worst failure… everything else can stand still, except time. In fact, time can often be cruel simply by moving on.

The truth remains,though… that time is the toughest test and the greatest proof, of Life and of Love… a test all of us need to take, sooner or later, and then wait... for Time’s verdict. And of course, hope for Justice… :)

Communication...

‘Everything comes to the one who waits, provided he knows what he’s waiting for…’ I don’t know who wrote this; Roy Sir quoted it… It seems to make sense, doesn’t it? I wonder if it would work, though, if you know, deep inside, what you want, but you don’t want to acknowledge that... or simply haven’t realized that. It should stand true na... because isn’t it also said that you never learn something, but realize what you already knew? That is what Richard Bach says anyway, and I’d like to think that’s true… :)

Sometimes you feel you know what you want… But then you look at the person who has that, and realize you wouldn’t want to be in his (her, in my case) shoes!! Then you start soul searching again…

What helps though, is good old communication... talking to people you can relate to... the ones who make you think, the ones you connect with, the ones who give you the ‘release’ you look for!!

There’s a Power in Communication, I believe, that is most definitely Unique… :)

A Matter of Faith...

Just when I’m about to abandon my ideals or get disillusioned, something happens and I get back on track… this time it was our result.

It came out yesterday. I was expecting to be way behind my class mates, percentage wise. Reason being the marks are not allotted fairly, prejudices come in, and in the past, I’ve often been on the receiving end of such injustice. The final year largely consists of internal marks, which are awarded on a biased basis. So I was half expecting to just about scrape through, which was fine with me since scoring well was never my priority (never been ambitious na :)

But to calculate your percentage, they take your 4^th year and 5^th year marks together. In doing so, my performance at the universities got included, which has always been good since the college doesn’t play a part in it, and my average, though not exceptional, was good enough.

Had the marks been awarded reasonably (not expecting to be treated specially, only fairly) my average would have been even better. But I have no complaints, since I don’t need a lot to be satisfied. (A trait that Raoul would consider criminal! :)

What I want to say is, I stuck to what I felt was right all through the five years, irrespective of the consequences. No obsequiousness, no dishonesty, no sweet talk, nothing. Everybody said you need to be a sycophant to survive in a professional college. I wasn’t one. And I survived well enough, got through too. It might be a small victory. But I’m very proud of it.

So I’ll go on doing what I feel is right. One might call me silly but that’s ok. There’s a great Power in Truth, as in Love and Faith. And I believe it works wonders. Somewhat akin to 'Gandhigiri' in ‘Lage Raho Munnabhai’. The movie has such an Amazing message.

We are not living in the greatest of times, and choices are getting tougher by the day. But the fact that the basic good values still exist goes to show the sheer strength of these ideals. And they will sustain us as long as we believe in them. Hopefully, forever... :)

Somewhere Only We Know...

This one's another song by Keane.. 'Somewhere Only We Know'... Just the title of the song gives me goosebumps... the song's so simple.. yet so profound!!Tom's voice and Tim's lyrics always create magic... I've never liked falsetto much but coming from Tom's vocal chords, i love even that... :) It really is amazing, the way they come up with simple words that express so much... no pretensions... just the truth, pure and simple, straight from the heart... It's a lovely feeling when all that you want to say but cannot express is beautifully sung by someone (and it doesn't hurt that the 'someone' singing is really cute... Tom Chaplin in this case... he's a Gombu! :)
their debut album 'Hopes and Fears' was Incredible... and the recent one 'Under the Iron Sea' is equally great... it's like Clive Wearing said.. 'The most important things cannot be spoken; that's why there's music...'
When you listen to their songs, it makes you feel like you aren't the only one searching for that elusive, ideal world where it's okay to be simple... okay to not play games... okay to be all that you are... their songs give me hope... :)
Perhaps the world i'm looking for does not exist.. but even the hope of finding it is enough, really.. And then even this Ordinary World isn't all that bad.. because when you actually think about it, Life is pretty Beautiful.. :)

The Hardest Part...

What do you do when one day you realize that you had been looking at Life upside down? What do you do when you realize that you have been walking for so long only to find a dead end? What do you do when everything that you believed in turns out to be an illusion??
As i reach the far end of Hope, Despair doesn't seem like a bad place to be... There's a comfort in Sorrow that happiness doesn't give... there's a Refuge in Cowardice that Courage doesn't yield... is it really that bad to seek that comfort, that refuge?
Does time really heal every wound? Or does it become a wound itself? Sometimes nothing makes sense.. terms like 'right' and 'wrong' begin to sound unreal and are reduced to just being words...
Till you make a Choice.. and that is the Hardest Part.

Drifting...

Examz are finally done with... Five years of Architecture ends.. just like that... All of us are yet to come to terms with being 'graduates'. I personally don't want to. Too much responsibility... just when i was getting to be so comfortable being an escapist. On top of it the Huge stigma of being 'aimless'. Don't blame anybody for calling me that though. It's not their fault i'm born in the wrong time. Maybe I should have lived say 100 years back, you know married at age of 10, a mother of 6 at the age of 22, widowed by the age of 35 (considering my hubby would either be 20 years older or the victim of some obsure disease... :) Simple haan? No…I guess it wouldn’t be simple even then…. but its fun to visualize nonetheless…. :)

'Aim', 'Success', 'Failure'.... Big words... still meaning different things to different people.. Why should someone else decide if you're successful? Or if you're a failure? Isn't that for you to decide? Where your success lies.. where your peace of mind lies..Of course there are conventional yardsticks to measure you... but does that count really? Perhaps it does.. but in the 'bigger picture'? Who's to judge? As for me, irrespective of what i end up doing, i'll judge myself...and while i'm at that, be biased big time... :)

Love Factually..?

I didnt quite expect such an amazing response for the previous blog.. needless to say, i'm flattered... thanks to everybody who commented... :) the other day i heard about another successful love story... it was so sweet.. there are these issues, but they are going to be resolved, and everything shall fall into place.. i love happy endings..!! its a contradiction, then, that my favourite love stories are always tragic.. (Kisna, Qayamat se Qayamat tak etc.) Looking at love ideally (which is what i always do, more or less), theres something so divine about it, such an untouched purity, that it makes love seem as something best left unattainable.. any practical or attainable side to it then makes an anti climax of sorts.. is that really another way you can look at it?? or am i simply suffering through what i call a severe case of 'sour grapesitis'? ;)
forgive the bad joke! :)
sometimes i wonder, what is so powerful about this emotion, that holds people together? what is this power that doesn't let people like me get bitter or give up? i can only call it Magic.. infact i'd like to think its Magic.. another one of those inexplicable things those are best left inexplicable...its an amazing power, the power to love.. and anybody who has ever fallen in love is lucky and special.. and i'm a wee bit crazy.. :)

Everybody's Changing

There’s a song by Keane called ‘Everybody’s Changing’. The way I’ve been pleading people to listen to it, you’d think I was getting paid for it. Kya karen I can’t help it. It’s one of the best songs I’ve ever heard. When I listen to it, I feel as if I had been waiting for it. The chorus goes like this….

So little time
Try to understand that I
Try to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same

I love this part.. Isn’t that what all of us do? Try to make moves just to ‘stay in the game’? And look on helplessly as people change? So much of our time is spent playing games, putting up facades, when it’s so much easier to just be ‘ourselves’? Where do these inhibitions come from anyways? I wish they’d all go back to wherever they’ve come from. Life’s so short to be something you’re not; you hardly have time to be what you are…. If you figure out what you are that is… I believe I’m straying from the topic… well why not? I love it when I don’t make sense… :)

Love as I know it...

Of all the emotions, the one that intrigues me most of all is Love. In fact love is so much more than an emotion. Its a way of life. Almost like a religion, that all of us follow, whether we realize that or not. I've always felt we underestimate the power of Love, big time. Nothing, i feel, is better or sweeter, than two people loving each other. People spend their lives searching for the 'perfect' person. I don't believe in 'perfection' as an idea, though. 'perfect' is such a relative term. What is perfect for me can be weird for someone else. (Believe me, chances are it'll most certainly be weird for almost everybody, except me. ;) But how does it matter? What matters is you love. And keep Loving. And dream. And keep dreaming.

Of course its not always smooth sailing. You might get hurt, you might break your heart, you might screw up! But I'd say its worth taking the chance. Again, and again, and yet again.

May all of us be blessed with the fervour to Love.

Ok Enough mush for the day there. I must leave right now and read about crime and gore or i might throw up.... :)

Chasing Illusions...

When i look around, most people i come across know what they are doing. They have 'aims', 'goals', 'ambitions'... they are focussed, they have plans. I really respect these people, because i, myself, have no idea where i am headed. In today's world, that is enough to qualify as a crime. In a world where everybody is looking for what they want, i want something i can look for... A Purpose perhaps, a Calling if you will. It eludes me and i wait in vain. So while others make the best of reality, i usually end up chasing illusions.... :)